ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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