Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
