I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
