did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
