she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
