the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
