If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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