can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
