You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
