Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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