Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
