I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
