he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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