Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
