Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
