some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
