Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
