This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
