I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
zippers are such a cool invention
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
