i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
