Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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