He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
