So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
love makes seman taste better
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
