do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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