i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
