he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
