Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
