Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
