I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
