on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
