Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
