those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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