i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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