I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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