I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
