my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
