Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Randomize
