i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
