I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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