Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
