I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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