watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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