grandma shit on top of the toilet
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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