The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
