You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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