Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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