Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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