Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
