Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
