Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
