I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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